hogwartsies
by chintz daisy
Summary: a collection of mildy humourous and very random one shots. fluffy. stupid. but ahh how i love stupid things.
1. Oragami is for Pansies

**A/N** hey everyone! basically this is going to be a collection a collection of one shots set around about Harry's 7th year. However, bear in mind that I just wrote these randomly from what's going through my head. Some you probably wont find funny, and many probably wont make sense, but they're all going to be quite different, so come with on this fabulous ride to no where (because the stories go absolutely nowhere)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own these characters etc etc theirs a fairly large chance you aren't reading this so why bother? Well I'm not doing another disclaimer so this one counts for every chapter okies?

Note: sometimes if you aren't from Australia you might not get some of it. I'll try to explain things I think some people won't get, but if you have any questions, feel free to ask me through a review. Oh yeh, and sorry for all this writing at the start, it sort of ruins the mood. I promise my others won't be like this

**Origami is for pansies**

Malfoy is sitting in the library huddled over something. Harry sees this and, sure it is something deadly and dark, goes to inspect.

"Hey Malfoy, what are you doing?"

"Paper folding"

"Huh? You mean like origami?"

"What? Potter you make me sick! Clearly origami is for pansies and transsexuals! What I am doing is paper folding"

"Oh… I see… what are you making?"

"A flower"

"Ahhh…what for?"

"To go in my flower collection duh! You are stupider than I thought Potter"

…awkward silence…

"Hey Harry is it closet time?"

"Hell yes"

**Click on the review box. You know you want to. It wants you bad.**


	2. The Meatball

**A/N** yesss my chapters are slowly getting longer. But some are still going to be short. Live with it my lovelies. This one is fairly short. But I like it.

Meatball

"Ron! I've had it up to here with you! Its always 'do my homework Mione, do my homework Mione', well you know what? I wont take it anymore, you're on your own now you lazy bugger!"

"Well you know Hermione; you're just too smart for your own good! Any minute now your head is going to explode because your brain is just too freaking HUGE to be contained in your ugly skull!"

"Yah right Ronald real mature. Obviously you're not above resorting to mindless insult? Well I am above it! Oh and by the way, I know about your Russian porn stash!"

(don't pay any attention to the line below I cant get rid of it)

"ont take it anymore, your on your own now you lazy bugger!"

Ron raises his vice so everyone in the Common room can hear

"Well you pee on the toilet seat, god knows how seeing you're a girl!"

"You're the one that leaves the seat up!"

"…Hermione has nits!"

"Ron took ballet lessons until he was ten!"

"Hermione wears socks and sandals!"

"Ron's poor!"

"Hermione is a man!"

"Ron has red hair!"

"Hermione has buck teeth"

"Ron's wearing slacks!"

"Well Hermione…your epidermis is showing!"

"Oh my god Ronald it is not! You disgust me you disgusting piece of plughole hair!"

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-(Snape)-

"Has anyone seen my meatball?"

**Lalala review time!**


	3. Counselling fun with Gloria and friends!

**A/N** yep, this is more poking fun at the harry potter characters. Don't get me wrong, I love them all dearly, but hey, I couldn't resist.

Warning: this is derogatory, don't read if your touchy, heh

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GLORIA: Hello and welcome to Hogwarts first ever group counseling session. My name is Gloria, and I'm the counselor, but you can all refer to me as G-dog, Gazza, or "ma homie". Hopefully this cool teen lingo will make you all more comfortable. I in turn will give each of you hip teen names that I think appropriate. Any questions?

HARRY: Yeh I have a few. Why do have to be here? Can I go? Why do you smell like asparagus? Do I have to call you Gazza? or G-dog or ma homie for that matter?

GLORIA: Hmm, I think I will call you scarface. Well you were voted by the school as mostly likely to be insane, so you have to be here, and yes you have to call one of those names, for your own sake

RON: ooh what am I called?

GLORIA: ummm, umm you name is henceforth…ugly! Welcome ugly!

UGLY: that's not very nice…

SCARFACE: What the hell are you doing here Ron?

GLORIA: Ok let's go around in a circle! First we have scarface, then ugly, and then who do we have?

GINNY: I'm Ginny…do I need a name?

GLORIA: yes of course! You can be… slutwhorebag

SLUTWHOREBAG: I think I'm going to cry

GLORIA: and you? Who are you dear?

SEAMUS: er, ai'm Seamus

GLORIA: fabbydoodles I think you can be…hmm well you are ridiculously irish, so maybe leprechaun? No too long, how about we shorten it to just leper?

LEPER: Thaat's the stewpidest theng ai've evar heard

GLORIA: Sorry I have no idea what you're saying, must be your ridiculous accent! Let's move on! You are?

DRACO: uhhhh Draco Malfoy

GLORIA: pleasure to meet you. I'm going to call you Ratboy, because you look like a rat! Haahaa isn't that funny everyone? Ratboy, because he looks like a rat?

RATBOY: I also think I'm going to cry.

LEPER: you can cry on my shoulder Drac-(evil glare from Gloria) er I mean Ratboy!

RATBOY: Eww no Irish germs!

GLORIA: pay attention kiddies! We have another gentleman here, the boy in the corner, you! Fat kid!

NEVILLE: er, he-hello.

GLORIA: well, I would call you chubby, but that would be derogatory. So, you can be spoon

SPOON: oh, er..ok

SCARFACE: hang on! Why the hell are all of you here? I have to be here, but you guys actually came willingly to this corny pathetic attempt at counseling?

GLORIA: Excellent idea scarface! Lets all say why we are here. Ok, now I'll start by showing you what to do. Ahem! Hi, my name is Gazza, and I'm here to counsel troubled youths. Whose next?

SCARFACE: I suppose that's me then…fine…hello, my name is Ha-Scarface (scowl) and I am here because you guys all dubbed me as insane…thanks a bunch…

SLUTWHOREBAG: It's not my fault! I voted for…no wait nevermind

SCARFACE: (curiously) no really, who did you vote for?

SLUTWHOREBAG: uhh… Hi my name is g-slutwhorebag…(sniff) and I'm here because I am hopelessly, pathetically and kind of stalkerishly in love with Harry! …Did I just say that out loud?

GLORIA: yep!

SCARFACE: …lets go make out

SLUTWHOREBAG: XD well ok!

(they run off to some dark corner)

GLORIA: I believe we should now take a short break so I hope every one brought their graham crackers/vita wheets/whatever crackers you might happen to have which have a mildly humorous name!

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**Oh yes we will be seeing more of Gloria and her homies. At a later date.**

**I would just like to point out that I know Neville isn't fat in the movies. I'd also like to say that I love Seamus's accent, and it's not my fault Gloria, and everyone else in my stories, doesn't like it.**

**Reviews please! You get virtual brownies for every review. I will send them to you via telekinesis…**


	4. Wizardies

**A/N **I don't know what happens in other countries but here in the land down under, after you finish high school heaps of people like to go on schoolies, which is a gathering of all the other ex-school kids at various popular holiday spots to party for a week or two. However schoolies is infamous for how much mayhem that's caused because of it, mainly because of all the drinking, unprotected sex and lawbreaking that tends to happen.

**Wizardies**

Harry and Ron are sitting in the common room. They really should be doing work and revision as their Newts are in less than a year, but frankly, they couldn't be arsed.

"Harry, do something funny"

"No."

Ron throws a ball of parchment at Harry, and it hits him on the nose.

"Ron!"

"Sorry…"

The silence starts again. Both slip lower into their chairs, wondering if dying of boredom really is just a figure of speech. They hope so.

"Hey Harry?"

"Yeh?"

"Are you going to Wizardies?"

"What the hell is Wizardies?"

"Well…when a witch or wizard finishes school they may chose to go to Wizardies, which is like a huge holiday to celebrate the end of schooling, but basically all you do is drink, dance, break the law and have hot unadulterated sex"

Draco climbs out of a ridiculously small box sitting in the corner of the common room.

"Did I hear hot unadulterated sex?"

"Get back in your box Malfoy"

"Can do!"

**The chapter will be longer next time. Hope you enjoyed this little tidbit.**


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